Bother
by purplehairedwonder
Summary: The nightmares Kurama faces after the Dark Tournament begin to become too much and he wonders if another way out would have been better.


**Author's Note:** This story was a product of my imagination one night when I couldn't get to sleep. I'm not quite sure how it turned out, but I hope you enjoy. Leave me a review and tell me what you think.

_Italics_ indicates a dream (and the song lyrics of course)

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Yu Yu Hakusho or the song "Bother," which is by Corey Taylor, off the Spider-Man soundtrack.

* * *

_Pain. Laughing. Blood. Darkness. More pain. A crow._ Kurama jolted up in bed, breath ragged. His red hair was plastered to his face by sweat. Taking in his surroundings, he realized he was no longer in the stadium at the Dark Tournament. He was in his room. And it all had been a dream. He felt a twinge on his left arm. Or had it? 

_Wish I was too dead to cry  
__My self-affliction fades  
__Stone to throw at my creator  
__Masochists to which I cater_

Kurama gently touched the afflicted part of his arm, but found the flesh to be intact. At one point, that very spot on his arm had been all but ripped apart by bombs. Flesh, muscle, and tendon alike had been seared to the bone, but now it was healed and only ghost pains remained. Kurama slowly stood up and made his way to the bathroom where he studied himself in the mirror. His emerald eyes had a dead, haunted quality about them. The red-head blinked several times, but the haunted look was still there. He supposed that with all he had experienced in his thousand-plus-year life, that look would never fade.

Turning on the sink, Kurama splashed his sweat-drenched face lightly with cool water. After drying his face with a towel, he studied himself once more. He could see the turmoil in his heart reflected in those haunted eyes. He had always prided himself on his control over his emotions. That was his greatest strength in battle, yet _that _one battle had been different. He hadn't been able to keep control then, and he was still struggling with control, even weeks later.

The nightmares that assaulted his sleep were of that battle... of that creature who had managed to break through his ever-calm exterior and mental defenses. The creature who had so soundly implanted himself on the fox's memory that he almost felt somehow tainted. Those nightmares were becoming hard to deal with. Tired emerald eyes closed.

_Kurama stood, surrounded by bombs and his own blood flowing freely through agonizing wounds, coloring his tunic red. He stood, power used up, as his enemy faced him and his blood ran cold at the maniacal glint in those eyes. "And yet, it seems you have a masochistic streak that wants indulging. So here goes." White hot pain._

_You don't need to bother  
__I don't need to be  
__I'll keep slipping farther  
__But once I hold on  
__I won't let go till it bleeds_

_Through the pain that racked his already torn body, Kurama heard someone calling out his name in fear and concern. It sounded so familiar, but the pain was blurring his normally sound senses. He felt his body hit something hard that he assumed was the ring. He heard the voice again. Yusuke. It was Yusuke calling his name. His teammate and friend Yusuke. Kurama opened his eyes against the pain and began to struggle to his feet._

Emerald eyes opened and Kurama looked up to see himself in the mirror, pain evident in his eyes. During his fight, Kurama had found his anchor: his friends. They kept him from giving into the pain long enough to keep his chances alive. It was a rope to a drowning person in the ocean, and Kurama had grasped it to stay afloat a little longer.

_Wish I was too dead to care  
__If indeed I cared at all  
__Never had a voice to protest  
__So you fed me shit to digest_

There were times in his life that Kurama wished he hadn't fled to the Human World in order to survive. A thousand years and more was a long time to live... a long time to have many regrets. But Kurama would push those thoughts aside and go about the business of living. After all, it took true courage to live. You could die at any time.

And then there were the times that Kurama wished he had died in his fight against Karasu. His body had been torn apart, his mind raped, and his soul stained. And everyday Kurama had to live with the memories of those lust-filled eyes. He had to live with the memories of the desire in the crow's voice as he taunted his prey. Kurama had to live with the memories during the day and the nightmares at night.

Death would have been easier.

_I wish I had a reason  
__My flaws are open season  
__For this I gave up trying  
__One good turn deserved my dying_

_"Sorry for disturbing your train of thought, but shouldn't you take this time to pray? After all, you are about to meet your creator. You can ask him why he flawed with you!" Karasu's maniacal laughter sent a cold shiver down Kurama's spine. He knew Karasu was right. The potion had worn off, and he was back in him human form and without even the power to form his Rose Whip. There was nothing but emptiness in Kurama's stomach as he watched Karasu laugh, He was going to die, but he might as well take the sick bastard with him._

Death would have been easier.

_You don't need to bother  
__I don't need to be  
__I'll keep slipping father  
__But once I hold on  
__I won't let go till it bleeds_

Death would have been easier, but there was a difference between what was right and what was easy. Living took courage. And somehow, Kurama lived. The red-head clenched his fist, as if around that rope his friends had thrown him during the fight. It was his life-line, then and now - when the nightmares threatened to overtake his consciousness. Living took courage, and he would never let go of his life-line.

_Wish I'd died instead of lived  
__A zombie hides my face  
__Shell forgotten with its memories  
__Diaries left with cryptic entries_

Kurama wandered back to his room and lay back down in bed. Closing his eyes, he slipped into the deceiving arms of the darkness that was sleep... and nightmares. The darkness beckoned the fox and he followed, life-line slowly falling from his grasp. _Immediately he was once more face-to-face with Karasu._

_Immediately, the pain returned, not only physically, but mentally. Kurama felt winded as the lust in Karasu's eyes became obvious once more. Kurama watched hollowly, as the crow removed the Death Plant seed from his chest. That had been Kurama's last chance. He had nothing left. The only emotion the fox was able to feel was despair. He felt his face go blank, almost as if he were separate from his body. Karasu sensed the emotion and fed on it._

_Just end it._

_And you don't need to bother  
__I don't need to be  
__I'll keep slipping farther  
__But once I hold on  
__I won't let go till it bleeds_

_Almost as if detached from the situation, Kurama heard Yusuke call out his name. "Don't bother," Kurama wanted to tell his friends. "You know what will happen." His mind slipped farther into the darkness. But something wouldn't let him go farther than he already had._

_"You are a fighter," Yusuke's voice said._

_"Don't go like this," Kuwabara said._

_"You're better than this," Hiei said._

_"We're here for you," all three said. There was the life-line. Kurama grabbed for it, without realizing what he was doing. He felt his fist tightened around the line and he pulled himself out of the dark recesses of his mind. He wouldn't let go. If he was going to go, the crow was going down as well. For his friends._

_You don't need to bother  
__I don't need to be  
__yeah (I don't need to be)  
__I'll keep slipping farther  
__And once I hold on  
__I'll never live down my deceits_

Once more, Kurama jerked awake, but this time the sun was shining through this window. Looking down, he realized his hand was still clenched in a fist. Opening it, he found blood in the palm from his grip. Death would have been easier, but it wasn't right. Living took courage.

He didn't let go.


End file.
